holding on and letting go || xav&ev
everettandrew:
“You know that I’d have to be on the verge of dying, coughing up blood and shit, to ever consider going to the Doctor.” Everett pointed out, shaking his head vehemently, as he pushed himself up onto his elbows and made a face. “Not only do they ask you a bunch of fucking stupid questions, but they poke and prod you and it hurts.” He shook his head again. “No thanks. If I wanted to get tortured, I’d go to an S&M bar.” He shuddered and shook his head again, holding Xavier close as he sighed softly. He didn’t always know how to act, or treat him, but he was trying his best. There was something wrong with him, something he couldn’t explain, that just caused him to sabotage anything and everything that was good in his life. It was like he did it without even trying, and he didn’t know how to stop. “I want to feel better too.” He said with a sigh, shaking his head. “Maybe if I stopped taking my meds, the cold medication would actually work.” He knew that the majority of medications out there didn’t work when they were mixed with zoloft and lithium, and he contemplated stopping his meds but knew it wouldn’t be good. When he was off of them…bad things tended to happen, and he was fairly happy with how things were at the moment and he didn’t want to ruin that.
His eyes widened as Xavier started rambling, his stutter getting worse as he seemed to get more and more upset, and then he was crying. Everett wasn’t sure what to do, or what to even say, and he just blinked a couple of times before pulling the younger boy into his arms and holding him close. He didn’t know what to say, or what to do, but what he could do was hold him. “I care.” He mumbled, eyes trained on the bed as he shifted a little uncomfortably. Talking about his feelings made him feel extremely uncomfortable. “I just don’t… I don’t really know how to…you know, do that shit. I don’t know.” He sighed, knowing he wasn’t making sense. “I told you I wasn’t boyfriend material. I’m too fucked up.”
“Don’t apologize.” He said with a sigh, bringing his hand up to run his fingers through Xav’s curls as he frowned a little. “It’s just…I dunno. We’ll figure it out.”
Xavier shook his head softly, definitely, Ev wasn’t going to heal if he refused to go see a doctor. “Ev, I-I kn-know h-how m-mu-much y-you ha-hate hosp-hospitals, doc-doctors an-and ev-everything, b-but y-you prob-probably need it… R-Real-Really… I-I’ll c-come wi-with y-you i-i-if y-you w-want. I-If y-you’re n-not bet-better, in l-li-like, tw-two or th-three days.” He smiled softly as he pecked Everett’s lips. He pulled back when his brother thought about stop taking his meds. Okay, this one was definitely a bad idea. Probably it would take longer for him to heal, but these meds just kept him sane, and Xav perfectly knew it. He bit his lower lip slightly, pressing his forehead with Ev’s. “D-Don-Don’t ev-even t-try t-t-to st-stop tak-taking y-you-your meds. It-it wou-would b-be a fuck-fucking m-m-mess an-and y-you kn-know it. J-Just don-don’t.” If there’s one thing Xav didn’t wanted, it was to lose his brother. Definitely lose him, because of all these problems he had. He just wanted to be there for him, because probably, he loved him more than anything else, and would definitely hate himself if anything bad happened to Ev. “Y-You c-can’t st-stop tak-taking them j-j-just li-like th-that. J-Just d-don-don’t, o-okay ?”
Ev probably thought he didn’t made sense, and to be honest, Xavier thought the exact same thing at first. But he was holding him so nothing else mattered. So it’d get better. But he pulled back softly at his last words, tears filled eyes even though he wasn’t really crying anymore. “You-You’re n-not fuck-fucked up Ev… I-I-I th-think you-you’re p-p-perfect.” And it was the truth. He leaned forward to kiss him slowly, his fingers tangled in his boyfriend’s hair. “An-And I-I lo-love y-y-you… You-you kn-know it Ev. I-I d-don-don-don’t w-wan-want any-anyone el-else, an-and I-I nev-never will… I-I j-just, it-it’s… Some-sometimes it-it’s n-n-not rea-really ea-easy… I-I j-ju-just… I-I wi-wish y-you c-cou-could… B-Bel-Believe i-in lo-love ? Th-this k-kin-kind o-of st-stupid, ch-cheesy th-things… I-I’m prob-probab-probably stu-stup-stupid f-for wan-want-wanting th-this… B-But I-I ju-just w-want t-to b-be l-lov-loved…” And no more cheating, no more problems, just Everett’s arms around him forever. He closed his eyes, his head on Ev’s chest. It was nice here, warm. He just wanted to stay like that for a long, long time.
He couldn’t say how long they stayed like this. Probably a few minutes, just curled up against each other, Xav listening to his boyfriend’s heartbeat, and smiling softly after a little time. Yes, he was definitely feeling good in the other man’s arms. “I… E-Ev ?” He rolled over to face his brother, his chin on his chest, looking right in his eyes. “May-Maybe…” He bit his lower lip softly, smiling a bit, almost encouraging “M-May-Maybe y-you c-cou-could… L-Lea-Learn ? H-How t-to d-do, w-we-well, fee-feel-feelings… May-Maybe w-we cou-could wo-work it ou-out to-tog-together ?”